Sonny `MADMAN` Madeira's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Sonny `MADMAN` Madeira five    four    three    two    one [ userinfo | insanejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | insanejournal calendar ]

Call Me On... | speedbagsonny [July 29th, 2029] It's no exceptions, even the biggest giants gotta fall... e-mails     bets     texts     spam     pics     ooc CMNT    2

| the guidebook [July 29th, 2029] I learned that slow progress, is better than none. That's why I'm still here pursuing my goals, baking that bread(  ...  ) CMNT

[009.] S C E N E [November 11th, 2009] who → sonny & melody ( melodiaz ) what → Being proactive when → Wednesday afternoon where → Chinese take out --- Chula Vista status → in progress I want to push this beyond a peaceful protest(  ...  ) CMNT    10

[008.] ``What kinda dope you on?`` [November 3rd, 2009] [ mood | swept up ] [ music | [ YOLANDA'S HOUSE ] ghost ft. meth & raekwon ] L O C K E D → I'm trying to figure out how my ass has been found planted at Nana's for three days straight. Eat, sleep, and shit. Another day, and less than the money I've earned hacked away. Quick note: Never spend your rent on bailing out one of your friends, who really isn't a friend from the way things happen to go down. No I won't say I lost the apartment but felt the need to get away from that cramped up place. I can think fully over here. Canning jam in some odd manner relaxes me. It isn't as tense when you're in the ring. Being in that square used to be a reliver but now, not as much. Not when you don't have the heart to stay in it. That's where I wonder how that all departed. The fight. Now a days, my fight lies elsewhere. That elsewhere is shaky now that I know what's really it. It's a go or stop on either part, but not standing to let it go could mean me getting drug through the dirt, or worse get drug through the dirt. That's more of a physical violation because I know my defense but when you wyling with another man's wife? Yeah I can't say what the other guy would do. Might blank out and blast me off the map. That one piece of information that was being pushed in my face by my boys had been put to the side. Who wants to believe that? I mean, ok yeah digging in another man's dame is wrong. Right? Right but yo, all that can't be put on me for one. Two, the whole situation seems justifiable. Right? No matter how it's all examined, the whole thing feels right to me. So what am I on? Felix tried to give me the low down about Mel, and right being defensive because my head is in the clouds, I knocked all that away. Who wants to hear about the chick you're screwing, which ends up being more than juse a screw, that she's involved by law to someone else? There's attachments that no matter what there is forming between us, can't be broken. Unless by you know a good ass lawyer or even yet I'm not sure how she feels about this guy, and to be honest my give a fuck meter is on low. That attitude alone might get me into trouble, but so what? Can't I at least be better than content? I've gone through the what is my problem phase. Might be still there. Why am I on a close tight rope acting strange as hell. Not ever, have I been this self-assertive when it came to something or someone I wanted. And I've made this clear time after time. Possibly to the point that I've put her in a bad position. No pun there, I'm serious as all get out. The gamble is almost like a drug. Stakes are either high or low but you just want to keep aiming for the win until the pot is yours. I'm there. Right there waiting. Willing to go to bat if it's needed. I know my boys got that bugged out look going right about now, but I haven't shared much to the fact. Not even to Felix. I stopped seeking for advice. I can't trust no one, to know that maybe I'm getting my feelings involved in someone who might not be as sincere as she puts on. Can you blame me for questioning that? As much as we never knew nothing about each other, still there was some sort of trust. I'm positive neither of us expected this to go as far as it did, let alone as deep. Yet, I still have much to know. I want to figure her out well beyond what I would wake up to or how it feels when I'm deep in that. It's more. There is more that has me wanting to find out what exactly. How she could settle for a guy that basically doesn't care about her well being in the sense that her feelings don't matter. How miserable she might be having to go home every night. With me? I may not be made of big bucks, but I know how to treat a chick. On my Pops he made sure I got the knowledge right and I seen what it was between him and Summer. That was one of the better relationships I had the blessing to see. If it pertained to mom? You can forget about it. She was the one who walked out and left with Pop's friend. I've thought about this for a long time now. Enough to know not to compare but creeping is creeping. I only wished she wasn't attached by the way of the ring, man. I mean that on everything. How fucked up do you have to be to not care about that one set back? I tried asking Gramps about this situation. All in different terms, so he could better relate to it. I found out he might have known what I was talking about directly. He's too old though to comment on this. I've had Nana all in my face for the past hour asking me why I haven't eaten anything. Why I haven't shaved and what not. I'm tired. Stressed. Ready to clobber the next muthafucker who wants to poke me in the ribs over stupid shit. And then having to deal with Manny's random questions about things I can't necessarily answer. It bothers me alot that I keep pushing her off when I can't seem to take not being there as she needs me to be. Getting out from the store, heading home on the oddest of hours, let alone putting in hours at the gyme still, all while trying to raise her? I just want my time to grow up fully, and I thought I was there. I actually did until this year has been something weird. I can do it, I know I can but what else is it that I have to sacrifice? I basically turned over what my life could be for what my life is, and I don't think no one would understand that. If they could, please explain to me what it's about. Ok, that's being mad selfish so I'll keep the complaining to a minimal. It has me wondering what this chick thinks. She knows some about me and Manny, as well as some other shit. I mean I keep what I keep to myself and the rest is free reign to know. It's just a matter of putting yourself fully out there with the precaution of getting rolled over because of that openess. If there is a person who better believes that you can surpass your own doubts, then possibly that person is who should be around more than those that don't believe. Here I go, moving back to the same woman. It's really that serious to the point that I often can't go without a day, without thinking about her. Where she is, and how she's doing. Is she going to be ok. When we last been together, things just seemed to slip without discretion and I can't say that I was mad about it. I stood up a lot of people to be with her. To me it was well worth it, but at the back of my mind I couldn't help but to be a bit tore up from her breaking down her situation like that. Then again, in my head it didn't matter. Not when it felt ill like that. I mean really ill. I'm not really positive how to work with this out. I just know that I want to see her again. Whatever it takes, I can make it happen. The only fault on my behalf is probably showing my fool colors. E N D Lou, and a few promoters want to get in a few new muscles at the gym. Start up a new circuit and evenly train some of the youngsters who they think is ready to jump in the ring for some duckets. I thought about focusing on training, only to condition myself back in the shape I used to be a few years back. Now I'm ok but I can always be better. Besides it beats canning rhubarb jam for hours. Then I ask why do I even bother slaving away for this woman, and not get a dime from sales. That's ok, free food works. Food and board. Eghsg. Already being threatened with getting whacked. I'm threw finished here. CMNT

[007.] FORGIVE ME PADRE..FOR I HAVE SINNED... [November 2nd, 2009] [ mood | one of those nights ] Said as soon as you hit the door, I'ma pull you down on the floor. And before we get to touch the bed, Baby back up every word you said... CMNT

[006.] S C E N E [October 2nd, 2009] who → sonny & melody ( melodiaz ) what → Bouncing around the mall when → Friday early evening where → Chula Vista Center mall status → complete She's got the same thing, about me, but more, about us(  ...  ) CMNT    11

[005.] n a r r a t i v e [October 2nd, 2009] A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down... -(  Arnold H. Glasow  )

[004.] SHE TAKE THE BONE LIKE A RIBEYE STEAK? [September 10th, 2009] [ mood | Chillin ] [ music | OB4CL 2 >> BP3 ] Yo, but on the otherside of town it's Toney laid up, this white chick wanna gargle my nuts... CMNT

[003.] ``Stop hatin, Sonny...`` FIDUCK you, son! [September 8th, 2009] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | [ A STAR IS BORN ] Jay-z ft. J. Cole ] → My mind is made up after listening to this leak. It's not a great album but it isn't bad. So those that feel that it is a great one, needs stop it already. And to say that I'm hating? No, buddy. I don't hate. Props are given when props are due. If I'm entitled to an opinion then that shouldn't be consider hating on someone. I mean come on, be honest and stop hanging on the fact that it's Jay-z. Okay we know he has an extensive resume. Better than most artist in the genre he's claimed to be in. I get that. Those that are true with themselves get that as well. But come on, dawg. This isn't all what it was hyped up to be. Sub par. I bet if you pop in the cd months from now? You won't feel the same. I know I wouldn't. First off my take on it is that he's way out of his element and range. There's no Jigga signature at all, unless you want to say he speaks about himself. Well okay on one track he's big upping a lot of guys but at the same time he's just spitting how better he is in general. There's no real subject matter or story telling going on in like past efforts. That right there disappointed me because a true Jay-z fan would have noticed that. Not someone who just digs the guy for who his persona is. That's what a lot of people will magnetize towards. Oh it's Jay-z so they'll love it nonetheless. I have my reservations about it and clearly it's a debate at work. Always will be for the next week. Fine and well, you know? Be honest about the fact that it isn't his best. It isn't great. It isn't a masterpiece. And stop with that bullshit about he's evolving musically. If that were the case, lyrically he wouldn't be stuck somewhere in waters he past grew from. That's just what I think. As far as features are concerned? I think he could have done without them. He should have kept it just himself but giving the new guys a chance was a bit smart. Maybe it will benefit them or him. The beats were on point for some tracks. The major producers never really brought it and that's my opinion. Scrap all the vocals and I'd rather listen to the beats instead. Shawty get it in. Daddy go hard...I go hard everyday but that doesn't mean you see me boasting about it. Minus the fact there is no choice but to go hard. I go in everyday. Not by choice but by responsibility. My hard work, years of service, and levels of maturity has put me in a place where I can call shots. More superiority than ever before. It's more work, more money. With more money, can bring more problems. More problems can also be solved, as by not always depending on my uncle when I'm short on the rent. Or asking Nana whenever there isn't enough food in the house. I have a garbage disposal to feed, man. And she's nothing more than a little monster when it comes to food. She's asked all the time where does that food go because I can't consume as much as I used to without blowing up. I'm an assistant manager now at the store which is pretty cool. I can tell people what to do. Slack off whenever the manager is around. Lamp about in the back but usually I hold off on pulling that off. Not because of the risk of getting into trouble but because examples of great leadership should be set for my fellow employees. I doubt they look up to me in anyway besides my boys within that circle. Only associates but my time has been limited for leisure things. When it is time that I get for myself it isn't used to my advantage only towards of keeping Manny company. I really don't want to put myself in the place of being neglectful since she is my responsibility, but it's only hard at times when you can't do as you please when you were free to do as you please. Babysitters I don't trust as well unless it's the chick next door. She has kids and they get along with Manny so it's convenient whenever the bus drops her off and I'm not around on time. At least I try to be. Aunt Kendra tries to help. Nana is cool with it but she's old and old people need rest. I got my uncle Lou but he's usually busy running the gym. It usually works out. Speaking of the gym, I've been seeing less of that place only because of the shift in obligations with AT&T. No harm but that dick was mad about me flaking on him this weekend when I had to fill in. Sorry, but this is my major job. He pretends like I do it on purpose to get out of it, when only it's the opposite. I'll always love being at the gym. Teaching people how to properly land a solid punch. Expand people's perceptions about what the sport is about. Even show the younger aspiring boxers that they can channel whatever is negative in their lives in order to turn it into a positive. Do you know how many kids are off the street everyday? Plenty. As for me wanting to keep up with it? I'm not sure about that. Never have thought much on it because there isn't a reason for me to continue on a level that I was shooting for at one point. Labor day sucked by the way. The day was off but spent it doing nothing but sit in my bed. The apartment was to myself which was cool but it was boring. I had to sit through reruns of daytime tv. Judge Judy. Jerry Lewis' telethon. And sleep. The sleep was good by the way because of a few dreams that needed to come true. When I mean come true, it usually does whenever the time permits itself. There's nothing to speak about there and if I do, the shit makes me feel weird. In a good way. You know, to the effect of blushing. I can fess up to that I get bashful but uh it passes by eventually. It's only natural, of course. I'm so ambitious. I might hit two sisters. Ever had one of those? Two chicks at once? If not, I highly recommend trying that at least once. Believe that. Whatever it is I was going to write about, it'll get done for another time. Late and yeah there was a serious serious serious matter at hand like ironing my clothes. I want to wish for a maid or something. A fine ass maid to clean up this place but who has the duckets for that? Treadmill time, kid! CMNT

[002.] Passing me by [August 5th, 2009] [ mood | heavy ] [ music | [ STRESSED OUT - raphael saadiq rmx ] Tribe Called Quest ft. Faith Evans ] → Every time that Kyle is on with me and Brent during the shift he's always in need to debate about everything. From how we're wrong for wearing out uniforms correctly to why coffee is not that bad to drink everyday. When he brought up music and more specifically hip-hop? I was all over that. The things he stated were real ignorant because it wasn't a genre he knew much about besides what he heard on the radio. Myself and Brent had to school the loser and put him in a place that he won't try to come whack about the one type of music people have respect for. Shut that shit down, son! Its funny that I speak about it because the crowd that often listens to what I listen to won't ever expect that this is what I know. They're surprised that a white boy from LI knows a little something about what normally no one would know if they weren't well informed about hip-hop history. Its not only that but who's who, who was first to do this, and so on. Not many people know that one of the biggest and most historical records had been recorded by non-rappers. Sugarhill Gang. They weren't rappers at all but had been put together and exploited by many a people, including those that managed then and what not. That was possibly the first taste of what heads could do when they have a feeling that value can be extracted for monetary gain. Its more so now than ever. You can't tell them that since they are part of the foundation. Pioneers. Legends. This made me think back to when my parents and myself were living in Long Island. The part we lived in wasn't real secluded but it wasn't nice either. Had to wonder why Pop had us living out there only to suffer. As a young kid you didn't know what the deal was but there was that idea that right, you're not living plentiful like the other kids at school. There were some in the same boat as you were but it always felt like you and your fam were the only ones not living a lifestyle that everyone else was comfortable in. It was half torture going to school when you weren't dressed in what everyone else was dressed in. There were big laughs back then. Big laughs. Jokes. Kids are cruel when they're young. At first there wasn't much that I could do but just accept the fact that we were barely making it and they could only afford what they could. There wasn't any labels I could rock. Mom shopped a lot at thrift stores or were gathering items from churches when they gave away clothes. I mean damn, couldn't see work too? I was so young not to know that she did work her little waitress gig while Pop was getting jipped out of his funds through a cleaning service that the rich people up in the Hamptons used. They did my man dirty too when it came to what was owed. On the side of that he had the boxing thing going on. Long days of the time we had to share that studio apartment only for me to go to school in a good area. No one had much privacy. Never had my own room. There was no bed for neither of us for a long ass time. Sleeping bags, blankets that were doubled up. The floor was good for a minute. Hard as a rock. One thing that I couldn't stand was the winters when the damn mice were skirting across the floor. Imagine you're six years old waking up with son eating a piece of left over food by your head. Freaked me the hell out. Glad it wasn't any rats but I seen those outside. Big ass dog sized rats. Yo, I'm throwing a brick at it then leaving. The good times to me while all of the lack of nothing was happening had been going to Brooklyn on the weekends to watch Pop and his pals go duke it out in the ring at this gym. Either they were sparring or in real matches for some bread. He didn't win often but when he did that money was used to take care of Mom and myself. That was one selfless dude so I can see how hurt he was when she up and went off with someone who ended up laying the smack down. Remember that school I went to? The better school that everyone had rock uniforms? Got myself into trouble plenty of times there. Usually disputes because kids were you know being cruel and shit. Heard rumors about my Pops, or they would say things about Mom that wasn't true. Or they would speak on our living situation not understanding that this was the shit that people go through. Spoiled kids, man. I never got how they could talk about something they never knew of. When the mouths kept running, one was getting shut when my fist touched that. I think that's when a lot of anger was growing. And you had to check that I was this scrawny pale ass kid back then trying to get my education on. It was so hard to focus on school and what not when things at home weren't cool. I got into trouble to the point that suspensions came up. Detentions. Anything you name it. Until one incident I fucked one kid up to the point his parents came in wanting to sue the school and stop donating. So they gave me the boot. Bad thing. I was about ten, eleven? I think that was around the time Mom slid off with that guy. Just left me and my dad like whoa! I don't know how you would leave your only son behind. Never really thought about me when she made that decision and I never asked what possessed her to want to go off with someone who was in the same if not worse situation. But anyways I don't think the old man was wanting to keep his ass in New York for long after that. I remember one summer we had some money to hit Cali. I knew we had family there but I wasn't that close to them. His move out that way made it to the point that he wanted me to know them better than what was out in Long Island. You know how a man's pride is. I think he fought it for the longest not to cave in but eventually Nana and the rest took us in no questions asked. I've had better memories in San Diego than when we were living in New York but nothing can top the feeling of forgetting about your bad times when you've discovered a piece of something that spoke about struggle. I'm saying that was the basis of this music that I'm a drone for. The summers I used to head back east to see Mom and her familia. I hated at their place in Brooklyn. Smelled funny all the time and the only people I looked forward to being around were my Aunt and her kids. Other than that, I would get lost with Desi and Mase. They weren't the typical Italian kids that kept around their own. They didn't care for tradition or the bullshit that the other generation were all about. More so Desi she was into shit as a teenager and I'm like a few years her senior but that chick was always into something. We used to sneak off to Williamsberg or Brownsville. Man back then we could've gotten our asse handed to us for violating into another neighborhood. We're White and majority there weren't. So you get the picture. Nah, but I guess her girlfriends were close with her since they worked at Macy's in the city during the summer. I think I lost my virginity to one of her friends. Heh. Moving back, when we used to head to her friend's house she had a brother who was DJing, and even rapped a few on the mic. I don't think he ever got the chance to make it since he was cut short a year after. But the thing was I watched how a family who lived a similar situation that I did come together in order to forget that shit just over a few records. I remember one of her friends put me onto Black Moon. Boot Camp Clik, and a whole bunch of early nineties artist from that area itself. Of course you had Biggie, and Jay. Other peoples. I guess I just grew an infatuation with it. Pops used to always question me about it but he really didn't care what I did as long as I was keeping grades up and helping around when I could. I hated leaving when the summer ended since there were fun times just hanging out with them and being accepted despite where we was coming from. Back to San Diego. I can't really say where we were was of the best but it was better than what we had before. Nana took good care of us, along with Gramps. Cool old goat that used to box too. Damn all of you used to knock domes off the shoulders? The only thing was that Gramps was a big name over in a small city within São Paulo. Prized fighter that his streak got derailed over an injury that left him blind in one eye. He stopped fighting after that and immigrated to the states. So the story goes. His stories were sick, man. So he had my attention most times but couldn't understand Pop's and my generation. Clashed a lot. Even now we clash over the dumbest things. I think knowing that Pop and his uncle were going to start up a gym out here, that's what made me want to be like him and better. I had that support as well which was amazing. When you have someone, just one person backing you in general that makes the difference in the world. I don't believe Mom liked that I was pummeling kids in the ring but it was better than doing it out on the streets. I don't know what possessed me to write all this but I suppose it needed to be put out there. Just some things bother me. They have been lately now that, that support isn't there anymore. Without him I don't think I want to pursue what it was I had wanted to pursue as a kid and I'm a grown ass dude now. One with a responsibility that is confusing. The situation is confusing and I don't believe it can be pulled off with such success. I'll asked how Manny feels about certain things, including staying with me. I know that shit is a hard one at her age when she doesn't have neither parent, just a big bro who isn't sure what he wants to do. Then family that may not want much to do with her in that regard. It's cool, I suppose. Everyday seems to be a learning experience but man when she gets older? Teenage years and what not? How in the hell am I suppose to survive that? I just remember when she had been born. A blessing then a tragedy the following day. Damn Pop's was really messed up after he lost his wife like that to such a complicated pregnancy. I wouldn't know how to act. Busting doc's heads and what not. I think that drove him to be a better man and father but I knew he was hurting bad. Real bad. Sad he's not even around either but I'm staying away from that subject right now. It's August. Schools starting at the end of the month and I wish Cali had tax free week. Stingy asses. Only a handful of states have that week where no tax is served on clothes. I could use that to lessen the knock in my pockets, you know? Connecticut is big for it. So I'm going ask Desi to head to Milford mall and pick up some clothes for this kid and ship it this way. Sounds like I'm this big cheap skate but man supporting someone than yourself is taxing. Especially on pockets of a fixed income. I can't touch those ss checks. Those go to her trust fund. Ehhhhggghghghgg. Frustrating but I got this. Clothes, school supplies, and extra funds for whatever after school program she has interest in. I think she might just find her way at the gym. It's weird but I think she has the same drive I used to have, just at a younger age. I need to leave this laptop alone and go for a run then work. CMNT

[001.] n a r r a t i v e [August 2nd, 2009] I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be.. -(  Douglas Adams  )

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